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THE BORING STORE |
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Many of our finest clients, like yourself, are often out of the country on
mundane business that in no way involves international espionage and intrigue.
We have received many encrypted letters demanding that our store create an
outpost in Kamfmtor, Hidentka, Gwazoo, Miksha and Boise, Idaho, among others.
Well Boring friends, want no more! We are now bringing the store to you at these
and other discreet locations via the interweb. (Worried that the money trail
will connect you to your spy supply purchases? Fear not! As always, we are
filtering the money to 826CHI, the creative writing and tutoring lab in Chicago
that brings our free programming to local students.)
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Right In Front of Us
Ninth graders at a Chicago high school have written
these powerful personal essays about their young lives. In
the foreword, author Alex Kotlowitz (There are no
Children Here) writes: “These tales will surprise you.
They take twists and turns that are unexpected, that are
jarring, that feel, well, so real. You’ll sense these kids’
defiance, their hurt, their exuberance, their yearning to be
heard.”When your
mission requires you to take on the guise of a local teen,
this book will serve as your training manual.
($12 ea.)
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ALiBi Books
Students in 826CHI’s after-school program wrote the
entertaining stories in this collection of assorted,
colorful chapbooks. Possible topics covered by your bundle
include candy, dreams, a light-bulb shaped object, Japan,
moustaches, cows, and more.Read these pieces aloud to immobilize your enemy. The
rogue agent will be defenseless as he/she laughs
uncontrollably or is stupefied by the poignant-ness.
(4 for $10)
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The Boring Store Ornament
This splendidly crafted ornament is hang-able, nearly
anywhere!
Hang orb from branch of
pine tree and watch your enemy be overcome by feelings of
cheer and goodwill.
($10 ea.)
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The Boring Store Tote Bag
An exquisitely exquisite cloth tote bag.
Perfect place to hide
plastic shopping bags.
($8 ea.)
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A Sunday Afternoon Hotdog Meal
More than 200 second through sixth graders wrote this
riveting, often hilarious, guide to Chicago that can be
enjoyed by those who are second-city natives and those
who’ve only dreamed of being one.
($12 ea.)
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Eve's Dropper
($6 ea.)
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Rearview Glasses
($8 ea.)
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UV Decoding Pen
($9 ea.)
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Standard Eavesdropper
($6 ea.)
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Magnetic Force
When a secret agent approached me one day
wearing a cleverly disguised (read: moustache festooned) presidential button, I simply had to meet the maker. The maker, it turned out, was standing right next to the buttoned spy. The maker revealed a love of putting moustaches on a motley set of animals, foods, plants, and more. I feel it should be noted that the maker, himself, has not a moustache upon his face. Nor does he have a magnet upon his backside.
($10 ea.)
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Diversion! Shiny Slip ’Em Ups!
We needed to package our diversions. Whether they
be pictures of cute baby animals, poppable bubble-wrap or shiny, slippery and game-worthy marbles, the container had to be portable and, preferably, pocketable. Jewelry boxes not only met that criteria but, by the use of such a box, we forced a knowing juxtaposition between our product and the normal contents of jewelry boxes thus giving these life saving diversions the air of high quality, importance, extreme wealth, and international human rights issues.
($5 ea.)
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Not Trail Mix
To write that this idea struck me while hiking or while on a very dangerous tailing mission would be a lie for I am neither fit nor brave. This is a combination of many items that our spies frequently need from the store. The notebook is weatherproof (take that rain, snow and tears!). The moustaches are cut from a gross of hair fabric, the pencil looks sharp and the GPS often succumbs to the cardinal sin of not inding true north.
($12 ea.)
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